While I was still in self-imposed exile from social media, this blog was my only outlet bar email and phone. I have now determined how long this relative silence will last. The time for
soul-searching and self-study is over. Like any good addict I missed the cut-and-thrust of sites like Facebook, at least. There is no real status update to report however why should that stop me?!
Don’t know if I’ll be as busy on it as in the past as the internet here is a little limited.
Developments in communication with the other party have been virtually non-existent. A one-way street mostly, you could say. The odd
angry text message does not count as communication and sadly, this has not been in the right direction. First responses were made
in anger and hurt but now more likely to be conciliatory. Of course, all this is to no avail given the callous disregard shown.
A deadline was set and has now passed leading to the clean out of some storage space, what wonders will I find there??
I am focussing on getting my head straight, baby steps and some form of forward movement. Given that it was left up to me to make a big move and lose some things in the process, there has since been time for backwards reflection. In the protective confines of the bunker, some of this time has been spent tending to wounds that run deep. These emotional wounds are not necessarily visible but sit very close to the surface and does not take much to re-open.
Upon reflection there were good times, great times, unfortunately most were in the early days of being a couple. I am reminded of weekends away, we use to call them the ‘honeymoon before the wedding’. Recalling those short trips to the coast or to the mountains seemed enriching and who could forget the variety of movies we watched and the evenings spent at some scenic
outlook. Unfortunately, daily life tends to find people taking each other for granted and those moments get lost.
Twas a wedding that never actually took place though. At first, it was a case of clearing old baggage which seemed to take much longer and cost way more. When that finally came to pass it was the ups and downs of employment, career development, the many relocations chasing ideas, finding accommodation and ultimately the
drain on our collective finances that put asunder. It was then never considered time and too many issues to deal with to tie the
knot, rationalising it all as we just weren’t ready. Still saddens me to say we never found a way. Seven years is a long time not to take that step or make that gesture. I guess, years too long and now we will never know. Time and space required? Certainly that’s now a given!
Recently, conversations with family and mutual friends has put things in some perspective. The opinion
of most is to go forth with life and that the once happy partnership is irreparably damaged. It was, after all, ripped apart and
open for all to see on or around that most symbolic of days for couples i.e. Valentine’s Day. It is now April Fools Day,
how appropriate? Perhaps I’ve been a fool to be somewhat manipulated into thinking this was it. For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, these were vows we would have said that was until the tsunami hit. Even my mum’s last wishes have now been dishonoured. What a day for this old fool to re-emerge on the very social media site that partly seems to have bought things undone in the first place. Well, it is a social media site I have been attached to since way before this relationship even started.
While real insight into what straw finally broke the camel’s back is not necessarily gained yet certainly by me, other than some sort of breakdown. I simply can not let unanswered questions consume forward motion. I am still waiting for the sun to shine down here and shine a light on the subject. This has nothing to do with the weather
I have faced since the move, those clouds seem to have come down upon me and haven’t left. So, I thank thee for the lessons
in life, love and what not to put up with in any future entanglement.
Jokingly, I have recently described myself as a refugee from relationship breakdown and yeah, I left with little but what I could pack in my car. With a tidal wave of emotion and my economy in ruins, the only vestiges left of time spent is a remaining pet and some old boxes in the shed. These are the boxes that will have to be cleared now as the deadline for making that arrangement has been and gone.