The phenomenon of my inability to stop a train wreck involving a 7 year itch but twas me who got scratched...this will make more sense as you read on!
For the last 7 years I have hitched my wagon to a power greater than I ever imagined or thought possible. Recently that powerful engine has gone way off course and ultimately
broken down somehow becoming convinced that there was poison within where there was none. The power I speak of here is that which I had taken to calling my better half or my partner in life. I now know our time has come to an end and with
this knowledge in hand I have had to make a decision or two that have not been readily appreciated. Right now I am left with the awful task of disentangling our complicated and interconnected lives. At times it leaves me reeling and wondering where
we went so wrong all of a sudden. The end came like a whirl-wind rising from nowhere and consuming all before just as suddenly disappearing. It was conducted with the precision of ‘shock and awe’ leaving a trail of collateral damage
and broken dreams along the way. I can’t say that there were no prior warning signs but these were buried in the malaise of miscommunication of our everyday lives for far too long.
An unfortunate and tragic event in the others life had seen a flight far away with the promise of a return when certain matters were attended to.
This event, the passing of a parent lead to an increase in the uneasy, intermittent pattern of communication abounding with mixed messages. Incrementally, the turnaround timeframe expanded and blew out of all proportions. Finally, and without consultation,
there was an outpouring on social media which has obviously lead to this point, the pointy end of shrapnel smashing through a vital organ i.e. the heart. The emotional spin cycle got turned up high leaving one feeling wrung out and the roller-coaster
went through its multiple loops leaving nothing but dry heaving. The waters now are still murkier than the river we were living by. The only clarity here is that I am no longer included in any future plans of this individual and now have to rebuild as
a sole proprietor and look to my own future.
There does seem to be an
irrationality to all that has taken place recently, yet in some way I may have seen it coming. At one point many months ago I even wrote an unsent letter talking about my concerns, our issues and what I saw as a way forward. However, when this
tearing apart of the fabric of our being occurred it was like I was powerless to prevent the oncoming runaway train. It seems I looked away at an inopportune moment getting distracted by other responsibilities I had been left with. We had
talked about others on a train wreck waiting to happen, turns out it was our own arrangements that were in chaos. Now I am picking up the pieces of my own shattered existence the only way I know how. At first, I was in survival mode just trying
to protect myself from any further aftershocks. I have now spent a short time in recovery surrounded by family not quite sure yet when to emerge from the protective bunker.
The flight mode was made at warp speed but was not possible without the assistance of a select few and subsequently an attempt
at recovery started with a visit to a reputable professional in the field. As part of this process I have beat a hasty retreat from the very social media which played a part in this whole mess and ultimately provided a platform for our public demise
as a partnership. It is difficult to take personal stock when answers to the obvious questions are short on the ground, when angry denials lead to further suspicion and where there is unwanted input from others along with vast distance between the parties.
In addition, I do not need the many distractions that social media provide i.e. viewing the minutiae of everyone else’s life while at the same time having them watch mine unravelling.
I do not wish this once powerful force in my life any ill-will and can only say that I hope they find what they are looking for in life. Perhaps one day they
will wake up from the ether that obviously surrounds them right now and look upon this time with regret. For the truth is, that this is a mistake of their own making, a decision they made without consultation and no-one else is really to blame. I’m
not trying to say that I was perfect in this but feel I have sacrificed a lot for this blending of two worlds. To part ways like this is made more painful when it is done, in part, online and not face-to-face to say the least. I thank goodness
right now that we never added that formal arrangement, exchanged those vows or bought offspring into this mix. Of course, we entered a relationship with all that in mind however it never seemed to happen for any number of reasons. At least, there
will be no courts of law necessary in parting ways. I can only say now that pets do not count, seemingly it is only a way for one party to deflect guilt and provide more drama in their own life.