I just got word that my piece on 'property' did not win the award nor was it even short-listed. At least my readers will be able to read what i wrote here. So, what to do after hearing that kind of news? Well, read some funny forwarded emails, that's what. Laughter is the best medicine, you can have some too...
Sex After Surgery
A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
“How long will it be before I am able
to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
“Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.
The Moral of Auntie Barbara!
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral
at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the
car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'
'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.
'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'
'Very good,' said the teacher.
Next little Sarah
raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'
'That was a fine story Sarah.'
Michael, do you have a story to share?'
'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Barbara. Aunty Barbara was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'
'Good heavens,' said
the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'
'Stay away from Aunty Barbara when she's pissed.'
One time I got sick and landed in hospital.
There was this one nurse that just drove me crazy.
Every time she came in, she would talk
me like I was a little child.
would say in a patronizing tone of voice,
“And how are we doing this morning?”
“Are we ready for a bath?” or
“Are we hungry?”
I had had enough of this particular nurse.
One day at breakfast, I took the apple juice
off the tray and put it in my bedside stand.
Later I was given a urine sample bottle to fill for testing.
So you know where the juice went!
The nurse came in a while later,
picked up the
urine sample bottle, looked at it and said,
“My, my, it seems we are a little cloudy
At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand,
popped off the top, and gulped it down, saying,
“Well, I'll run it through again.
Maybe I can filter it better this time!”
The nurse fainted.. I just smiled.
DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE!
The Arrogance of Authority
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with
an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your
ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over
there.....", as he pointed out a distant location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded, saying, " Mister,
I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go
wherever I f**king
wish.... on ANY land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear...... do you understand???"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's enormous Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it
seemed likely that the officer would be gruesomely gored before he reached safety. The man was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge........ show him your F**king BADGE!!"