My World

Forwarded funnies you might appreciate

With all the seriousness in my recent posts, I thought we might need a laugh.  These have been forwarded to me in the past by email from a friend from the UK who use to send them very regularly.  I tried replying to him sometimes but never really received a response.  He sent these and others, some of which are not so safe for publication and my email address was always on a large list.  Sometimes they came thick and fast and like most people I too would forward them selectively to family, friends and aquaintances.

 

I got told off once by an acquaintance for forwarding a few, which surprised me because I use to only forward those I thought appropriate and only forwarded to those who I thought would appreciated them.  I rarely, if ever got much response from my forwarded emails so I don’t honestly know what they thought or even if they looked at them.  Sometimes there were video clips and pictures but I’ve got so many I picked a few simple text ones to start with….  About a year or two ago the emails from this person have dried up and I don’t expect to get any more from him. I thank him though for the good laugh they were very much needed at the time the bulk of these were sent… So, here goes a few…

 

Jerome, a little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine.

He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine.'

The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water.

If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'

The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson!'

 

 

There are two statues in a  park;

One  of a nude man and one of a nude woman.


They  had been facing each other across a path way for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
 
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being sopatient through a hundred blazing summers anddismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do  the most.'
 
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they gorunning behind the shrubbery.
  
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, thetwo return, out of breath and laughing.
 
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteenminutes left, would you care to do it again?'
  
He asks her 'Shall we?'
She  eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let'schange positions. This time, i'll hold thepigeon down and you shit on its head.'
 

 AND  WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????

 

 

The Australian Medical Association has weighed in on Prime Minister Julia Gillard's new health care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the

Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the

Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the

Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the

Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn’t hear of it.

The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the 

Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step backward, but the 

Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the

Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire

decision up to the arseholes in Canberra

 

 

AUSTRALIAN LETTER - I think the sender might have been upset!

This is an actual letter sent to the DFAT (Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade) Immigration Minister.  The Government tried desperately to censure the author, but got nowhere because every legal person who read it couldn’t stop laughing !

Dear Mr Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows that I bought a television set and golf clubs and condoms from them back in 1997, and yet the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born
and on what date ?

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand ?

My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 40 years.

It is also on my driver's licence, on the last eight passports I've ever had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off planes
over the past 30 years.

It's also on all those insufferable census forms that I've filled out every 5 years since 1966.

Also... would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Audrey, my father's name is Jack, and I'd be absolutely bloody astounded if that ever
changed between now and when I drop dead !!!

SHIT! What do you people do with all this information we keep having to provide?

I apologize, Mr. Minister. But I'm really pissed off this morning.

Between you and me, I've had enough of all this bullshit!

You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bloody address!

What the hell is going on with your mob? Have you got a gang of mindless Neanderthal arseholes working there!

And another thing, look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I can't even grow a beard for God's sakes. I just want to go to New Zealand and see my new granddaughter.  (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl).  And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether or not I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? In the unlikely event I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other side of Sydney , and get another bloody copy of my birth certificate - and to part with another $80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day?

Nooooo…that'd be too bloody easy and makes far too much sense.

You would much prefer to have us running all over the bloody place like chickens with our heads cut off, and then having to find some 'high-society' wanker to confirm that it's really me in the goddamn photo! You know the photo... the one where we're not allowed to smile?...you bloody morons.

Signed - An Irate Australian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting someone in 'high-society' to confirm that it's me?

 

Well, my family has been in this country since before 1820! In 1856, one of my forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor.  (You do remember the Eureka Stockade!)

I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army for something over 30 years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high security clearances. I'm also a personal friend of the president of the RSL....Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each year.

However, your rules require that I have to get someone "important" to verify who I am; you know...someone like my doctor - WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN BLOODY PAKISTAN!...a country where they either assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers - and are suspended from
the Commonwealth and United Nations for not having the "right sort of government"..

You are all pen-pushing paper-shuffling bloody idiots!

 

 

Jesus

 

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'

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rod_joyce@hotmail.com | Reply 31.12.2014 02.06

You always need a good laugh.

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10.03 | 19:15

I have stood by and watched a with concern and love. I admire the way you have handled yourself and the situation. My love with you. In admiration. Fly

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10.03 | 14:07

Well, come back the TOG you old git. We will love you unconditionally there.

Seriously though, this is a good post. I am sorry for your pain mate.

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10.03 | 12:26

Spread your wings you dodo, you might be able to fly.

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24.06 | 14:03

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